I think I’m finally winding down from this sickness thing. I think it was sinusitis, or “sinus infection”.

I have been updating a lot on the present, and haven’t spoken too much about the past. So, tonight since I don’t have anything all ADD to talk about, and I’m not ready for bed, I’m going to go ahead and talk about the past. How about my diagnosis?

So, diagnosing ADHD is clearly quite a sketchy process. There isn’t a true test. You can’t draw someone’s blood or give them a brain scan to determine if they have it or not. Basically, you have to look at the individual’s behavior patterns and history.
For me, there was only one person besides my referrer who implied there might be more to my misery. It was my world history teacher, freshman year of high school. I was in tears during a test. I had studied my butt off for that test, and yet, I couldn’t remember a darn thing I had studied. Now, some may argue poor study habits. I guess you can argue that. But it doesn’t explain how someone else who studies with me, the exact same way can remember, and I can’t.
Well, this teacher asked if I had ever been evaluated for a learning disability. I told him I hadn’t and that was the end of it. I was probably a conundrum for my teachers. I wasn’t a bad student. I appeared to be paying attention (well when I wasn’t drifting off), I wasn’t stupid. I didn’t have behavior problems. I wasn’t male. I didn’t fit into the ADHD box. And I didn’t fit in the learning disability box either because I wasn’t delayed. But something wasn’t right, either. But since I couldn’t be given a label, and I wasn’t bothering anyone, I guess nobody tried helping.
Years down the road. I graduate high school. I test out college. I join the military. I get married. I have a baby. My husband. The first person to truly, truly know me senses something is up. He grows increasingly frustrated with my social ineptness, my inability to remember simple things, my inability to complete a task, to stay focused. He encouraged me to go seek help. So I did. But to be honest, I didn’t feel comfortable with my therapist. We weren’t a good match. So when she released me to have my baby, I didn’t go back.
It was my second therapist, Colette, who I saw for marriage problems, who picked it up. We talked about my marriage, and of course we delved into my family and history. And she asked if I had been evaluated for ADHD. My split-second response was “No… I’m not hyperactive.”
She explained to me how you don’t have to be hyperactive, and that’s why so many people–especially girls–go undiagnosed. They don’t cause a problem, they just sometimes are solitary individuals who are seen as “weird.” But they aren’t bothering anyone, so nobody notices.
It’s pretty sad actually, when you give it a thought.
So she referred me. She said I ticked off so many boxes for her, inasmuch as she knew about ADHD. Which she seemed quite knowledgable about. She really was a knowledgable woman. And it was reassuring to me in some way because, I knew nothing about ADHD. It wasn’t a self-diagnosis. I didn’t see it coming. But you bet I looked it up when she said it. And oh my God… I saw myself in so many expert’s descriptions. It was Earth moving for me.
Well, that’s my story of my referral. A little background for you. I’ll talk about the actual test I received tomorrow. Have a good night!

Yeah, this isn’t another one of those times where I start something, and never finish it. I have to be very careful though. I’ve had a few blogs and… well… I don’t have them anymore. Much like so many things in my life. Crochet… still have a rubbermaid box of yarn, needles, and books… and unfinished blankets… could be a scarf. The baby I made that blanket for is, I think she is 4 now. Yeah.
Watercolor and acrylic paintings. Yeah. There’s more than a few unfinished paintings around here. Somewhere.

ANYWAY. I’ve been sick this week. Being sick makes everything more difficult. Doing anything. And I’ve had to do everything. Work. Because at my job, there isn’t anyone who can work for me, and I don’t have the kind of job where if I don’t go in, my work can wait for the next day. It’s a restaurant. And you would think they wouldn’t want you preparing food while snotting. But, not my boss. He will tell me just to be sure I don’t snot in the food and wash my hands a lot. He has no other choice. My position is hard to fill believe it or not. And I can see why. It’s HARD work. And you don’t get paid very much to do it. Where I lived in California, I’m sure my current position would have been called perfect work for the illegal Mexican immigrant.
(Please VA hospital. Please call me back!
So yeah, I still have to go to work (still need that paycheck). I still have to take care of my son, though I have to say he has been doing GREAT at dealing with the fact that his mom can’t hardly drag her ass out of bed or off the couch because of the massive sinus headache that cripples her the second I make any movement. Poor kid. But I still have to feed him. I can let him skip a bath or two. But he still has needs. And I have to make sure they’re met.
I think it’s a sinus infection. I’ve got very yellow, smelly (at least for the 2 seconds when I can inhale through my nostrils, it smells bad) and sometimes bloody mucous. But my divorce finalized this weekend, so now I don’t have health insurance, so I can’t go to the doctor. So please, Sudafed. Tylenol. Do something for once and help me get better!

And after having made progress last week with cleaning out my apartment, my illness has contributed to the step back I’ve taken. The clothes that are ready for donation are still sitting in canvas grocery bags by the door. Waiting. I’ve gotten rid of the big pink cat ring in my toilet though! But Jack and I are not the tidyest housemates. And things are getting a but out of hand. I need to get better. My summer semester is going to start soon and my time is going to be spent elsewhere again. My apartment will turn into the place I go to sleep and dress and shower. Not spend time. Though I have to say. These past two weeks have been niiiiiice.
I’ve still had to work, but I feel like a normal person with normal time off for living. I’m going to miss it! I don’t mind working, I never have (well, I still hate my job, but it’s temporary). But it is so nice to be able to slow down and live. It just blows that when I finally do have some spare time I get a freaking sinus infection!

In progress:
I’ve been taking my hair and nails supplement.
I’ve been doing push-ups and sit-ups and a variety of crunches daily. And making progress with them.
I made Jack real breakfast this morning (but we ended up being late for school)

I was about to write a post about how proud I was of myself for cleaning out the drawers and closets in Jack’s and my rooms yesterday… And how I made it through work tonight without thinking about quitting.

But just as I was about to lay my fingers down on the keyboard I received a text message,

“I got the final paperwork today..everything went as planned”

Meaning… I’m divorced. Yeah, he told me that through text.
Sooo, that really threw a wrench in my thoughts. I think now I’d best turn the light off and sleep this one off. As if that’s even possible.

If anyone were to walk into my apartment right now, they would assume it was part of some televised social experiment where a dozen pre-teens were picked to live together in a small suburban apartment, and see what happens. Shenanigans ensue.
Seriously though. There’s a pile of tiny legos strewn on my living room floor, just waiting for the bottoms of my feet to scrape over them. There is a blanket, a child’s yellow raincoat, a couple of computer boxes, and a cat, all laying in a row, like a series of traps set for someone to fall into as they pass unknowingly through the front door. The dishes in my kitchen? The clean ones are by the sink, the dirty ones are in it. That’s good, right?
There are two fingernail clippers sitting on the edge of my bathtub. Why?
In my bedroom, I still haven’t unpacked my suitcase from Hawaii. Well, don’t blame me! It was snowing until 2 weeks ago! What was I going to do with a stack of summer clothes? They were much safer folded up in my suitcase on the floor. Well, until I rifled through it trying to find one last clean pair of panties. And there are orange cracker crumbs in my bed from this morning when Jack was hungry, and I was still a zombie and he needed breakfast and I needed to keep sleeping.

My success for today: I successfully wrote my essays last night, it only took me until 2:30am. Late this morning, I typed them up. And then I got them printed and turned in on time (which is more than I can say for my monogram assignment for my typography class, which I thought I had until Thursday to complete. Yeah turned out I had until yesterday. Oops.)
I also took my vitamin supplement for skin, hair, and nails for the second consecutive day. Woot!

So yeah, my apartment is a wreck. I need a shower, my hair needs coloring, my cat needs to be brushed because he’s shedding worse than I am, my suitcase needs to be once and for all unpacked, and my laundry needs to be washed, dried, and put away.
But my son laughed today. We played together. He didn’t feel like crying about anything. My grandmother got milk today because I brought it to her. Jack and I were probably the only people she saw today, and I think she was happy to see him. We have a toilet ring, but it’s still functioning. And if you don’t know what a toilet ring is, read the “Cat in the Hat Comes Back.” Skip to the page about the “big pink cat ring” in the bathtub, and just imagine it happening in the commode. Voila.

I’m not picture perfect, but I’m going to be ok.

Is it purely your average run of the mill procrastination? Maybe it’s fear? Or is it one of the symptoms?

All I know is my final paper for my critical thinking class is due tomorrow at 2. The good news is, I’ve completed my outline. The bad news is, I haven’t picked up my pen since to write the actual essays.  Like an old car, I can’t seem to get my brain to “turn over.”

Recently, I’ve started guided meditation to clear my mind.  The meditation I’ve been doing is  called “meditation for inner peace.”  Last week, during a crisis (a final project for my digital imaging class was due and I worked through all of what would be every other normal student’s free time), I came home from my college at around 12:20am, slipped into bed, and switched on my guided meditation.  I hadn’t ever participated in meditation before recently.  But this night, after struggling with my assignment, getting not much further than where I began, I decided I was in dire need of inner peace. So I dried my tears and listened.  I woke up in the morning on time, refreshed, and I went straight back to school. I was the first one in the classroom. In fact, I was the only one in there the entire time I was there.  I managed to get from basically nowhere, to finished in an hour and a half.  And I made mistake after mistake. I had to print out my project about 15 times before getting it right.  But I wasn’t bothered. And to me, this was a miracle.  A silent miracle because until it was over, I didn’t even realize it had happened that way. But it did.  I went from complete frustration, wanting to slam things against walls, to complete peace.  I completed my project and was actually humming and singing as I secured it to the mat board.

Now here I am a week later.  I have a new assignment that needs completion.  It isn’t a difficult task, it’s one I’ve done before on a different topic. I can do this.  But for some reason, my mind is elsewhere. I’m thinking about my ex-husband. I’m thinking about my website.  I’m thinking about resting. I’m thinking about my cat.  I’m thinking about thinking about writing my essay.  But I’m not writing my essay.  In analysis, is this my add? Should I go take my pill?  NO! I’m not going to. I’m going to do this holistically. I have nothing against the pills except that the doctors don’t seem to want to prescribe them to me, and the cost of them when my insurance runs out.  (Which it is about to.) So no.  What I’m going to do is meditate.  I’m going to clear my mind naturally, spiritually. And learn from my past successes.  And cross my fingers, pop some chocolate, and get this baby done!

Some people think of ADD as an excuse, or rather they think people with ADD use their ADD as an excuse.  In some instances, I’m sure this happens.  But we can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.  There are thousands of us out there with legitimate ADD.  We needed answers. We knew we were different, but we didn’t know what it was.  For me, I knew I wasn’t stupid.  But there was always something different about me, different in me than other children that I grew up around. As far back as kindergarten I was divided out by the other children.  I thought differently.  I said things that the other kids deemed unacceptable.  I was told my teachers and my parents that I was smart, I just wasn’t applying myself. Good Lord, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I would have been able to afford a shrink a long time ago!

So understanding what had been going on inside my head for all those years, finally, was strange, but at the same time somewhat of a comfort.  Knowing that, well, at least I wasn’t weird for no good reason!  It was validation.  What I decided to do with that validation is the important part.  I suppose I’ll have to delve into my history a bit before I ease this blog into the present.  But I’ll save that for another night.

Cheers